(bismillahirrahmanirrahim)

hey guys, sorry for keeping it to myself lately. i'm not sure what to write anymore nowadays. afraid of people might say or think, afraid of hurting other people's feelings. i guess i think about their feelings more than i think of my own. and i'm willing to do anything not to hurt the feelings of others. writing is my passion. i mean, it is the only way i can express what i feel. especially because not all of the time people will be there for you, listen to your problems, sorrows and stories. can you imagine stop doing something that you like just because you don't want others to feel bad about it or something? i'm sure you can, *sigh.

and yeah, if you had noticed, i've changed the song at this blog. kinda sad, but the song really describes what i am feeling inside. you know, when all you're trying to do is h.e.l.p, but things somehow didn't go the way you planned? and you thought things are getter a lot better but suddenly its just stop. abruptly. and you didn't even get to say what you have in mind, trying not to make things worst.

-and sometimes i wonder what did i do wrong? what did i say? is it my mistake, or i am not good enough even to be called as a friend. is it me? who knows. i do wish i could run away. but hey, running away doesn't do anything good. right? and i can't keep running from troubles. so i guess i just have to face it no matter how much it will hurt me. :( "just trying to help, hurt everyone else" huu~ yeahh. you have nothing bad against a person, and all that you're trying to do is help. and everyone else is hurt by that. how would that make you feel, because it is what i am feeling right now. can you imagine? even helping is hard to do nowadays. *double sighh.

-you thought that you've given your best. but still. it wasn't enough. all of it becomes a mess although you have good intentions in doing it. what should i do then? all of the things that i have done, still wasn't enough to make you realize. i want to get it right, i want to fox it. but i'm afraid it's not that simple, and i have to do a lot more than just "i wish".

- how long will it take? how many times more do i need? can i ever make it through all of this, alone. what should i do in order to get things the way i wanted them? *headache :(*

-i wonder, if i can start over with my faith nearing zero. and my believe is starting to fall apart. how i wish i can go back in time and clear up all of the mess, change my perspective for some things and teach myself to be aware of people and their tricks. i wish i'm not that soft-hearted. :( but who am i kidding. it's impossible and i have to stay. and learn and face my mistakes so it makes me stronger and wiser. *i'll get through this*

-it is time to accept the fact, that life aren't always gonna be fair. no matter how good you do to people, how hard you try to please people, there will still be a few who can't accept you. and that will definitely hurts. but you can't force people to accept you in their life. so, if it is time for them to go, just let them go. holding on gonna wound you even more. it is hard, but it will also make you even stronger! *farah, smile will you?*

-maybe someday, you will see, just how much i mean every word i say, and just how much pain i put aside, because i really care.